Is there a hard conversation you’ve been avoiding, but know deep down you need to have?

If so, today’s episode of The Joy Coach Podcast is for you!

Tune in to learn:

• The 4 biggest benefits of having hard conversations

• A 5-step process you can apply right away to any challenging situation in your life, no matter how cringe it feels right now

You’ll walk away with a tried-and-true formula, plus a mini pump-up session to celebrate making those big, brave moves!

Click the play button below to listen:

Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to this week's episode. Today we're talking about something that comes up in my client sessions a lot. It's an area where I've done a lot of personal work on myself, and it's a part of life that is pretty unavoidable if you want to have deep, open and honest relationships. 

Today is all about how to have hard conversations!

I'm going to talk about the benefits of having them as well as share a five step process you can follow and implement right away, even if they currently terrify you. Which honestly is how I used to feel.

So if you're like me and you have even a little bit of history of avoiding conflict, you might already be cringing at the thought of having these conversations. Even if you know deep down that there's at least one hard conversation that you really do need to have.

You might feel like it's easier to avoid and just sweep any issues under the rug, you might hope that things just simply resolve on their own without you needing to bring it up. Right? Our minds can kind of convince us, “Hey, maybe this will just go away. Maybe you'll never even need to address this.”

You're probably familiar with the main benefit of not having a hard conversation, which is avoiding the discomfort you feel before it and often during it. 

In my experience, avoiding these conversations tends to play out in a few ways. 

First, the issues can kind of grow over time to the point where eventually the conversation just becomes inevitable, like the situation is too hard to ignore. 

Or the situation just devolves completely and things end up unfolding way more dramatically and way worse than they would have otherwise.

Or the connection between you and the other person involved simply becomes weaker because there's this built up resentment or there's these things that are unaddressed, these unspoken issues that have been beneath the surface for so long. 

None of these outcomes are ideal, right?  

So let's talk about some of the benefits of actually having the hard conversations, which are basically the opposite of all those things we just talked about.

For starters, having hard conversations builds your courage muscle. And this transfers into every other area of your life.

The more you practice being courageous, the easier it becomes. Basically, you're putting yourself out there in a way that feels vulnerable. You're taking an emotional risk, and this builds up your capacity for doing so elsewhere. It makes you stronger, it makes you more resilient, and it's a very valuable life skill when it comes to your career or simply just standing up for yourself in situations that call for you to be that advocate. 

This can even show up in health or medical situations where you send something as off with your body and you need to speak up to get it addressed. It will require a similar feeling of courage.

Beyond developing your courage muscle, having hard conversations also releases you from carrying around this burden you've been holding. Knowing that something is off, or knowing that something doesn't sit right with you. 

Whether you realize it or not, these kind of unspoken issues do weigh on you. They do take up energy, even if they're just running in the background. Sometimes I'll think of it like an app that's just running in the background of my phone that I haven't closed out of and I forgot was even there. But lo and behold, my battery is draining and I'm like, whoops. Forgot to close out of Instagram. 

At face value, it might seem like it's simpler or easier to avoid and just compartmentalize the feelings you're having, but the truth is, at the end of the day, they're still there. You're still holding them, and this not only has a negative effect on you mentally and emotionally, but honestly, it can affect your physical health as well. 

Our bodies aren't meant to hold on to stress in this way, so by getting things off your chest and addressing them head on, you actually free up that energy and all of those emotions. It's releasing a burden. It's allowing you to move on with your life and create space for more positive things to take their place. 

Another huge perk of having hard conversations is developing deeper relationships. When done well, these conversations often lead to a feeling of greater closeness, greater connection, and this is the gift. This is kind of the reward of sharing openly and vulnerably, and also hearing the other person out.

And let's say it's a hard conversation that doesn't end super well, like maybe there is no “positive ending.” Maybe you're firing a team member or breaking up with someone and you just know they're going to be upset no matter what. It's kind of unavoidable. You're still developing and deepening your relationship with yourself through this experience. And you're doing this because you're acting on what feels right to you, and therefore you're building trust within yourself.

You're showing yourself that you're willing to do hard and uncomfortable things that are in your own best interest. So at the end of the day, it’s really an act of deep self love. 

Last but not least, having hard conversations and practicing this over time makes them a lot easier to have. You really do develop a new way of handling different dynamics in your life with more honesty and more integrity than ever before. 

So you end up spending way less time kind of stewing over things and letting any resentment build up. You just become someone who addresses things head on.  

As a byproduct of that, you spend less energy stressing and worrying, and you kind of nip things in the bud. So having hard conversations over time doesn't feel like such a big deal. It just kind of becomes a part of how you approach your life.

And from someone who's practiced this, let me just say that living this way is so much more freeing, simply not needing to kind of walk on eggshells or dance around things or worry or wonder if it's worth speaking up. Just being able to be honest feels so good. Not always in the moment, but afterwards and just knowing that this is the way you are being in your relationships, in your life, is a really good feeling. You feel more authentic. You feel an integrity, and your relationships feel more genuine and real than ever before. 

Hopefully hearing some of those benefits is enough to get your brain on board with trying this all out, actually giving yourself a chance to practice having a hard conversation. 

So now let's talk about what that actually looks like. I'm going to share a five step process you can take and apply right away to any challenging situation in your life. No matter how cringe-worthy it feels right now.  

Step number one is all about releasing some of the emotions you feel around the situation so that you don't feel as charged going into the conversation itself.

You can do this by writing a “do not send” letter where you kind of let all your feelings unfiltered, all your thoughts and feelings out onto the page. You can scream into a pillow, you can cry it out or just let out. Sounds of frustration like, “ugh!” – that kind of thing. 

Kids do this. As adults, at some point along the way, we think that we're not allowed to also have our own mini tantrums, but moving the feelings through us is actually really healthy, especially when they're done in safe spaces versus when directed at someone else. 

That said, you can totally share openly with another person that you trust, if it helps you to voice your feelings and kind of talk it out with someone. You can work through them with a coach or with a therapist, if that feels supportive. Really the goal is just to move some of those emotions through your system because when you're feeling heated or upset, it's just harder to think clearly and those feelings, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about when you're just feeling the intensity of them. They're ready to move through you. They want to be released, so we need to tend to those emotions and give them at least somewhat of an outlet before you can move on to step two, which is all about getting clear on what you actually want to say in this hard conversation. 

For this part, you can do an initial brain dump and then organize your thoughts into more neat talking points after. But it's also possible that after you let some of those emotions up and out, things will just naturally feel clearer. You'll simply just know what feels right to share.

Either way, I recommend getting what you want to say down on paper and get it nice and organized regardless of whether or not you actually refer to that piece of paper in the conversation itself. You totally can if you want. But this is more about just wrapping your head around what you most want to express so that you feel clear and confident and calm about that before you even have the conversation itself. 

Step three is all about reframing this hard conversation as a courageous conversation, because truly that is what it is. And here's the thing about courage. Courage does not feel great in the moment. We celebrate this quality and we admire it in others, but really when we're feeling it ourselves, our hearts are racing, our palms are sweaty, our mouths might feel dry.

Like none of those things feel pleasant. We wouldn't necessarily choose those sensations. It's literally us living at our own personal edge. That's what's happening when we are being courageous. By definition, it is uncomfortable. It's not easy, but it's important. Developing your courage muscle is what will enable you to do the exact things that will help you grow and help you create the kind of life and the business that you dream about.

It's a very necessary ingredient for that. 

So you're going to be having this courageous conversation. And now step four is to set intentions for both how you want to show up in the conversation and also what you hope to achieve through it. 

The key here is to focus on what's within your control versus focusing on the other person, because we truly can't control how other people show up or respond, but we can control how we show up.

Ask yourself, “How do I wanna show up? And what is a goal or an intention I can set that I can fully own?”

When I talk to clients about how they want to show up, we often decide on things like feeling open, feeling loving, grounded, or getting curious. It's the opposite of having their walls up or feeling really worked up and defensive. 

And because we've often already processed a lot of their feelings together and we've gotten clear on what they want to express, there's this sense of quiet confidence. It's the opposite of needing to aggressively assert your opinion or prove that you're right. It's like you can just rest in knowing what you want to say.

That initial charge has dissipated, and you can set this intention of like, “I don't have to get in here, het into this conversation, and just convince the other person that I'm right and they're wrong.”  

Rumi, my favorite poet, has a brilliant quote about this: “Beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.”

I just love that.

This is the field we're mentally heading to in this conversation. We're aiming for this field beyond right and wrong, and trust me when I tell you the outcome of any conversation is so much more likely to be positive when you approach it in this way. 

At the very least for you, right? Because guess what? Clinging to being right does not feel nearly as freeing as simply knowing where you stand. That kind of quiet confidence I mentioned, just resting in that and then having space to hear where someone else is coming from. Truly, that feels so much better than needing to be right. 

With that in mind, I recommend choosing a really simple goal or outcome that you hope to achieve through this conversation as well. So especially if it's a complicated issue, like you're not trying to resolve every little detail within one singular conversation. I mean, you could, but I I would aim for simple. Simpler is better here. 

So maybe your goal is to just gain some clarity or understanding. Maybe it's to understand where the other person is coming from. Maybe it's to clear the air and just release some of that tension that you felt building up between you. Maybe it's to practice having conversations that feel courageous with people who matter to you. 

It doesn't matter what you choose. Just choose something that feels super doable and easy to accomplish. And then once you know how you want to show up and what you are aiming to accomplish, you are ready to have the actual conversation. So as you head into it, here's what I recommend for step number five. 

I want you to breathe. I want you to remember that you are building a courage muscle and it's normal to feel uncomfortable. 

You can even affirm to yourself, “Hey, this is what courage feels like. I was listening to that podcast episode and she described it. Yep. I'm recognizing some of those sensations right now. This is courage. It's right here, and I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to breathe deeply a few times before I head into the conversation itself, and I'm going to be okay and I'm going to have my own back. And I'm gonna comfort myself on the other side, and here I go.”

And you have the conversation, and it unfolds however it does – ideally, in a positive way on both ends, but at the very least, again, you being in control of how you show up, you being in that grounded, quietly confident place.  

Then, on the other side, here's what I want you to do as an unofficial sixth step.

I want you to be extra kind to yourself. 

So you can even say something to yourself like, “Whew, I did it!”

Or you can share or celebrate with a friend or someone you trust, maybe someone that you initially talked through this with, right? That safe space for you. 

Then do something that helps you unwind or decompress. Let your system just relax. Maybe shake it off, like physically shake out your arms and your legs, like, “ugh!” Shake it off. Okay? 

And then just celebrate yourself for showing up and being brave, regardless of how it all went. You can even picture me right there with you telling you that I'm proud of you.

Because I know how much courage that takes, and I know how uncomfortable it feels, and I think anyone who leans into that is super brave.

So if that's you, I am so proud of you. You're doing what most people are too scared to do for your own growth and happiness. Seriously, way to go. 

You can even come back and replay this part of the podcast after and like, let me celebrate with you. Or you can send me a DM on Instagram. 

I would be more than happy to send you a virtual high five or hug! Like, “Yes! You did it!”

I'm here for you.

Okay, that brings us to the end of today's episode. I am sending all the courageous vibes your way!

You've got this. It's okay if it feels cringey. You're building that muscle. You've got a framework to follow, and I'm here and I can celebrate with you.  

There you have it, how to have hard conversations.  

Alright, tune in next week for more guidance on enjoying your most vibrant, satisfying, and freeing life yet. 

I'll talk to you then!